A Cursed Kind of Grieving
by Gratia Astra
Summary: Lennox must come to terms with the loss of his friend. Spoilers for Dark of the Moon. Very short one-shot.


**A/N:** I just recently watched Dark of the Moon and when Sentinel killed Ironhide I screamed so loud I swear the neighbors almost called the cops. You'd think they'd be used to it by now. But for him to be killed so ruthlessly, and even more so without a chance of reviving him. How **DARE**the writers do that! I was so mad I almost threw my knife at the TV. So I had to write my own version of how Lennox deals with Ironhide's death. I know there's already quite a few out there, but hopefully this one has a little something different to offer.

Actually, I'd started a little something for the anniversary of 9/11, but I'd never planned to post it. I kind of messed with it a little to make it suit the Tranformers. So this one-shot is dedicated to both Ironhide and the people who were killed on September 11.

* * *

It was a strange kind of mourning because it was more a _lack of_ mourning.

The first stage was disbelief. Lennox simply could not believe that his best friend, his companion, his guardian, his brother-in-arms was dead. He'd lost soldiers before, but Ironhide wasn't just a soldier. He was so much more that it was impossible to describe. Ironhide could not die. The Autobots were damn near invincible. He was the fight-loving weapons specialist. He was the strongest, besides Prime. He was an experienced veteran. He was _Ironhide_. He could not die, not like that. Not shot in the back by someone who was supposed to save them.

_Ironhide just couldn't be dead. _

The second stage was a mix between reality and delusion. He was a soldier. He had seen the traitor shoot Ironhide. He had seen Ironhide fall. Ironhide was dead. The sheer pain of the that thought was too much to handle so he didn't. He pushed it to the back of his mind and focused on distractions. Concentrate on the invasion, on the enemy, duty. And when the distractions ceased to be enough, he took it one step further. Yes, Ironhide was dead. But that was okay because death wasn't permanent. Not for the Autobots, not for Ironhide. Optimus had died, and then he'd come back. They'd even managed to bring the traitor back online. Death was not the end. Ironhide would come back to them. It was Optimus' fault, so it was Optimus would take responsiblity for it. He would _have_ to use the Matrix to bring Ironhide back. It didn't really matter _how_.

_Somehow, Ironhide would come back. He _**had **_to. _

The third step was essentially removing the delusion; admitting the truth without accepting the pain. Not even Optimus, not even the Matrix, could reverse that cruel effect of the Autobot crumbling into rusted parts. There was nothing left for them to bring back. He could see the pain in Optimus' face as he tried to come to terms with the consequences of Sentinel's betrayal. Optimus wanted Ironhide to come back too. Ironhide was gone and he wasn't coming back. He understood that. Ironhide was dead. But still, he couldn't accept that it was the end. He would not allow this brief separation to destroy him, not even for a second. He knew that if he gave in, he'd never be the same. Oh, he would eventually get back up and move on. But the missing part of him, the part of him that he'd given to Ironhide, the part of him that had gone with Ironhide, would always haunt him if he let go now. He would not allow the pain to consume him. He refuses to accept defeat. Ironhide is dead, but it is not over. He simply could not accept that this was the end. Somehow, someway, they will find a way to meet again. They can say goodbye or hello. They may not say anything. But they _will_ find a way to bridge this chasm called Death that separates them for now. He refuses to believe that Heaven or the afterlife or whatever they chose to call it was nothing more than an illusion meant to help him carry on for now. There would be another life, another place, even if he had to make it himself. To some, perhaps it is nothing more than an illusion. But for him, it was a lifeline, a way to survive. He had to believe it. Because the alternative was too cruel and painful to consider.

_Ironhide may be gone from here, but he still goes on, somewhere, somehow. All that remained was to find him, to reach him, and if possible, to someday join him. _

There are some things that humans simply cannot comprehend, and death was one of them. Always before, there was a way to fight, a way across the river, a back door, a secret tunnel. There _**is **_a way, and if they can't find it, they'll make it. To them, Death was just another obstacle that they would overcome. It was why Optimus continued to defend them, why he believed in them.

It was their gift, their power...

...and their curse.


End file.
